Shyness and caution are a normal part of childhood, not a fault. Here's the truth most articles won't tell you: when a shy or anxious young child gets tearful at a new nursery or a party, it's very often the parent's anxiety they're picking up, and within a few minutes of the parent leaving, the child is usually absolutely fine. The most useful thing you can do is manage your own anxiety, stay calm and positive, and give your little one time to read the room.
Key takeaways
- Shyness and caution are normal: a young child checks out anything new before joining in.
- Children read their parents' faces and voices with astonishing accuracy, so anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.
- Keep goodbyes warm, confident and brief, but never sneak away.
- Don't push, and don't rescue: stay calmly beside them and let them warm up in their own time.
- Seek advice if anxiety is severe, persistent, or stops your child doing things they want to do.
Why is my child so shy around new people and places?
Caution is no different from how a young baby uses their senses to look, touch, taste and listen to every sound and signal to check out everything new. It's part of their survival instinct. Once they feel it's safe and their curiosity is lit, they will be happy to join in. Whereas, if you are sending warning signs, their curiosity is going to be overtaken by fear. So stay calm and positive, and give your little one the time to figure out the who, what and when of it all.
What I saw, time and time again, at my own schools
In the early learning schools I founded, I watched the same scene play out over and over. It was almost never the child who fell apart at that first drop-off. It was the mother.
Time and again, the most distressed people in the room were the mothers: on the verge of tears, unable to let go, leaving their little one for the very first time. And of course, the child, watching their mother's face crumple, would start to cry too. The child was reading the parent, not the situation.
Then the mother would leave, still tearful, and within five minutes that same "distraught" child would be completely engrossed: spinning a globe of the world to discover where Africa was, or out in the garden watching our tech teacher launch a home-made hot air balloon into the sky. Not a tear in sight, while the mother would be sobbing her heart out in the car.
We ended up telling our most anxious mothers to leave and then, after a short time, pop back and peep through the window. In every instance their little one could be seen totally and happily absorbed in some activity, oblivious to their grief-stricken parent, who was still coming to terms with the reality that their little one was growing up and ready to enjoy new and different experiences.
Is anxiety contagious? Yes, and so is calm
Young children are astonishingly tuned in to their parents' feelings. They read your face and your voice far more accurately than you may realise.
When a parent is tense, hovering and anxious, the child concludes, quite logically, that there must be something to be scared of. Your anxiety becomes theirs.
The flip side is that your calm is every bit as contagious. A relaxed, confident, matter-of-fact goodbye ("have a lovely time, see you later!") tells your child there's nothing to fear. It is far more effective than any amount of reassurance, which usually makes the child sense that something isn't quite right. These youngsters are so sensitive to signals you'd think they had radar!
So the single most useful thing you can do for an anxious child, way before you've got to the preschool door, is to sort out your own feelings first and keep them well off your face.
How should I say goodbye at nursery drop-off?
Keep goodbyes warm but brief, because lingering often makes it worse. But never sneak away while they're distracted. This can develop insecurity and the feeling that you might vanish at any moment, and it's a sure way to make them far clingier next time.
Don't push, but don't rescue either
For the child who needs longer, there are only two mistakes to avoid, and most parents make one or the other.
The first is pushing: forcing a reluctant child to join in, or the bright, slightly desperate "go on, you'll love it!". It almost always adds to the anxiety, entrenchment and tears.
The second, less obvious, is rescuing: whisking your child away from anything that worries them, or drowning them in comfort. However kind it feels, it quietly confirms their suspicion that the world is a frightening place. Avoidance feeds anxiety; it doesn't cure it.
The middle path is simply to stay calmly beside them, let them watch and warm up in their own time, and trust that, given something interesting to become engrossed in and an unhurried, confident parent, they will step in when they're ready. Most children do.
My own daughter was one of these not-quite-sure children who needed to hover in the background, with the security blanket of me beside her, until she felt ready to take those first steps of exploration into the room, the invisible thread of safety still attached as she ventured cautiously further, until she forgot I was there.
Bizarrely, this only seemed to happen at parties where she didn't feel in control. Put her in a situation like a playground, where she had assessed the situation from a distance, and she would run over to a group of children she had never met before and happily join in.
Some kids are like this: totally unpredictable. Confident in one situation and, for some reason unfathomable to you, not in others. Such are the joys of motherhood.
When it runs a little deeper
Occasionally a child's anxiousness runs deeper than initial hesitancy or a first-day wobble. There can be inherited tendencies, and, remarkably, research has linked a mother's stress during pregnancy with a higher chance of anxiety in her child, something a baby can carry into the world with them. (You can read more about nature and nurture in how genetics and environment shape a baby's brain.)
I've seen a striking example of this in my own practice, and one that was easier to resolve than the mother thought possible. I explore such problems and solutions in my book Tomorrow's Child Starts Today.
Frequently asked questions
My child clings to me at family gatherings and won't say hello. How do I handle relatives who take offence?
Quietly explain that your child is slow to warm up and will come round in their own time, and ask relatives not to swoop in or demand hugs, which only makes a cautious child retreat further. Let your child observe from your side; they'll usually join in once they've sized things up.
Is there anything wrong with a child who prefers to watch rather than join in?
Not at all. Some children are natural observers who take everything in before they act, and that carefulness is often a strength, not a weakness. I was one of those kids; it was probably my penchant for observation that led to me becoming a psychologist.
And remember, watching is also a form of taking part. We can't all be enthusiastically jumping in from the get-go and swinging from the metaphorical chandeliers; it would be incredibly noisy and chaotic if we all did. Forcing children to jump in before they're ready is what turns a cautious, observant child into an anxious one.
Can a shy child still be confident?
Yes. Shyness is about how a child approaches new situations, not about their ability. Many cautious children are wonderfully confident once they've had time to size things up, just as my daughter was in the playground. Giving them that time is what lets their confidence grow. If you sometimes wonder whether you're doing enough for your child's development, a calm, patient approach like this is one of the most valuable things you can offer.
When should I actually be concerned?
If your child's anxiety is severe or persistent and stops them from doing everyday things they want to do, or comes on suddenly with no obvious cause, it may be worth speaking to your GP or doctor, or another qualified professional. You can also book a one-to-one consultation with me. Ordinary shyness that eases with tolerance and patience is usually not a cause for worry.
Want to understand more?
My book Tomorrow's Child Starts Today explores how a child's confidence is really shaped in the earliest years, and how, with the right support, even an anxious child can flourish. Read a free chapter extract.
About the author
Teri Farrari is a developmental psychologist, natural health practitioner and early years consultant with more than thirty years' experience with young children and their families. She founded and ran her own Holistic Early Learning Schools, and her work has featured on BBC News, Sky Television, The Sunday Times, the Daily Mail and in Parents magazine. Read more about Teri or work with her one-to-one.
