A tantrum isn't naughtiness; it's an overflow, a big feeling in a brain too young to hold it. You can't reason a child out of one, so stay calm, keep everyone safe, and save the teaching for after the storm has passed. Many tantrums can also be prevented altogether by heading off tiredness, hunger and sudden changes.
Key takeaways
- Tantrums happen because the part of the brain that manages emotions and self-control is years away from being fully formed.
- During a meltdown, stop talking, stay close, keep everyone safe and wait it out. Be "gloriously boring".
- Staying calm isn't giving in: you can keep your "no" without adding your own storm to theirs.
- The real learning happens afterwards, with calm connection and helping your child put words to their feelings.
- Rest, snacks, warnings before transitions and small choices prevent more tantrums than any technique.
What's going on?
Welcome to toddler tantrums: that wonderful way Mother Nature tells you that your child has opinions, strong ones, but has yet to figure out the quiet way to communicate them.
So what do you do when you're tired, out of patience and out of ideas?
What the experts say
According to many of the experts (of which, theoretically, I'm one), your job in the moment isn't to reason, punish or fix it. It's to "stay calm and close, keep it from getting worse, and wait for the storm to pass".
Ha! You might say: fat chance when I'm trying to wrangle more than one tenacious toddler who's protesting and screaming around me, while I'm trying to do the shopping / make lunch / do the laundry / get them out of the front door… (insert as relevant).
Mothers, I hear you. It's not easy, and sometimes downright impossible. We're only human, and our kids need to know that too. So what else is there to know and do? Let's look at the scenarios.
The supermarket meltdown
Picture the classic scene: your child is flat on the supermarket floor, raging over a packet of cookies they can't have, while every passing stranger gives you one of those looks. It's almost impossible not to feel judged, furious and like a failure all at once.
So let me take that weight off you straight away. Your child is not doing this to you. They are not manipulating you, and they are not badly brought up. They are having a meltdown because they are small, the part of their brain that manages emotions and self-control (the prefrontal cortex) is years away from being fully formed, and in this particular moment they have simply run out of the capacity to hold a big feeling together. The tantrum isn't a choice. It's an overflow.
Why do toddlers have tantrums?
Once you see a tantrum as an overflow rather than a strategy, the triggers make perfect sense. A toddler's feelings are enormous, but their ability to manage and express those feelings is tiny, and the gap between the two is where tantrums live.
The usual culprits are utterly ordinary: tiredness, hunger, over-stimulation, a change they didn't see coming, or the sheer frustration of wanting to do something their small body or limited words won't yet let them do. A child who can't yet say "I wanted to pour my own juice and now I'm cross and I don't have the words for it" says it the only way they can: by falling apart and screaming at decibels you wouldn't think possible in someone so small.
What should I do during a tantrum?
Here is the part that matters most, and it's simpler than the flood of advice makes it sound. During a full tantrum, your child's rational brain is effectively offline, so trying to reason, explain, bargain or discipline is like talking to someone who can't hear you. Save your breath.
So if reasoning is off the table, what is left to do? Less than you'd think, and that's rather the point.
- Stop talking. Every instinct screams at you to explain, negotiate, bargain ("if you stop crying, then…"). Don't waste it. You're posting letters through the door of a house with nobody home. Say little, say it softly, or say nothing at all.
- Don't bother getting down to their level. Every book says crouch down, but a child mid-meltdown neither knows nor cares whether you're eye to eye or towering above. They can see your feet, they know you haven't left, and that's all they need. And squatting on a supermarket floor for the full duration of a screaming banshee does nothing for your knees, or your stress. So stay up.
- Wait it out. Take a leaning pew against the cookie shelf, keep half an eye on them, and think of a cool sea breeze on a calm sunny day. You're the lighthouse, not the rescue boat: your job isn't to pluck them from the storm, just to be the steady thing still standing there when it blows out. Save the getting-down-low for the hug afterwards, when a cuddle will actually land.
- Become gloriously boring. A tantrum runs on reaction; it needs an audience and a spark to feed off. Give it neither. Be the dull, calm, immovable thing it crashes against until it simply runs out of puff. Here, boring is a superpower.
- The only hard rule: keep everyone safe. If there are flailing limbs, a hard floor or a car park in the mix, scoop them somewhere they can fall apart without getting hurt, then let it run its course.
How can I stay calm during a tantrum?
Learning to be calm in the midst of the maelstrom isn't easy. It's not always as simple as the experts say to take a deep breath and stay calm, because staying calm in the moment takes strategies and practice.
The toddler years can be relentless, so you need to prepare for them like a boxer preparing for a bout in the ring. And if you're currently living in the midst of it, you need the super-quick stress management course on steroids. Luckily for you, I'm a stress management expert, and here are some of my favourite tips.
Quick stress management tips from the frontline
Preparation: train your brain, release the strain. In the odd few seconds (I literally do mean seconds) you can snatch during the day, do a quick body check. Mentally work your way down from the top of your head to your fingers and toes, releasing any tension where possible (it's not always possible, but give it a go anyway). Do this anywhere, any time: 10 seconds, done! Repeating it throughout the day, 10 seconds here, another 10 seconds there, helps prevent tension and stress building up, and makes you better prepared, and just that little bit less stressed, for all those spontaneous eventualities.
For those temper tantrum moments: box breathing. While you're waiting for your screaming little banshee to calm down, breathe in for a count of 4, hold your breath for 4, breathe out through your mouth for 4, and hold for 4. Repeat as often as needed. It's a technique famously taught to the military, including US Navy SEALs, to stay calm under pressure. It works.
For more temper tantrum tips from a mother who's been there, and often, read Chapter 6 of my book Tomorrow's Child Starts Today. It has lots of tips for dealing with meltdowns in the moment and tried-and-tested ways of reducing the stress in your life, so you can become that chilled-out, calmer, coping mommy: strategies that can carry you through the tantrum years to the terrible teens and beyond.
Teaching the calm after the storm
Here's where the real learning happens, and it's the step most advice forgets. Once the storm has blown out, when you're both home, calm, and the world feels survivable again (ideally after a snack and a cuddle), that's the moment for connection.
Gently, and at their level, help them make sense of what happened: "You got really upset in the shop, didn't you? You were so cross about the cookies." You're not telling them off; you're helping them put words to a feeling that overwhelmed them and, over hundreds of these small moments, teaching them how to handle big feelings themselves.
That is how self-control is actually built: not through punishment in the heat of the moment, but through calm connection once the moment has passed.
How can I prevent tantrums?
Because so many tantrums come from tiredness, hunger and being caught off guard, a surprising number can be headed off before they start. A fed, rested child who knows what's coming next melts down far less often than a hungry, tired one ambushed by a sudden change of plan.
- Give a little warning before transitions ("two more minutes, then we're putting shoes on").
- Keep a snack in your bag.
- Keep an unhurried pace where you can manage it.
- Offer small choices that give a powerless little person some sense of control ("the red cup or the blue one?").
These will quietly prevent more tantrums than any technique for handling one. And if that doesn't work, there is always my duck-quacking technique; you'll find that in my book.
Frequently asked questions
Should I punish my child for having a tantrum?
No. A tantrum isn't deliberate naughtiness; it's a child overwhelmed by a feeling they can't yet manage. Punishing it is like punishing a sneeze. Calm presence in the moment, and gentle connection afterwards, teach far more than any punishment.
If I stay calm and don't react, am I "giving in" or rewarding the tantrum?
Staying calm isn't the same as giving in. You can hold your line firmly (the cookies still stay on the shelf) while staying warm and steady about the feelings. Giving in means changing your "no" to a "yes" to stop the noise; staying calm means keeping your "no" without adding your own storm to theirs.
How do I handle a tantrum in public with everyone watching?
Try to tune the onlookers out. It's easier said than done, but they are not the ones who matter. Stay calm, keep your child safe, and if you can, move somewhere quieter. Don't cave in just to end the embarrassment; giving in in public simply teaches your child that a crowd is where they get their way.
At what age do tantrums usually stop?
They tend to peak between about one and three, and ease as a child's language and self-control develop and they can express feelings in words instead of meltdowns. Every child is different, and the occasional overwhelm can happen well beyond the toddler years; it happens to grown-ups too.
My child only has tantrums with me, not with anyone else. Why?
It's oddly common, and it's actually a compliment. Children often save their biggest feelings for the person they feel safest with. Holding it together all day at nursery and then falling apart the moment they see you doesn't mean you cause the tantrums; it means you're their safe place to let go.
Are tantrums linked to hunger and food?
Very often. A hungry toddler has far less capacity to cope, which is why a snack in your bag is such a useful tool. If mealtimes themselves have become a battleground, you might find how to get a picky eater to eat vegetables helpful.
When should I seek help with tantrums?
Speak to your health visitor or GP if tantrums are very frequent, unusually long or violent, involve your child hurting themselves or others, or continue well beyond the preschool years. You can also book a one-to-one consultation with me.
Want calmer days?
My book Tomorrow's Child Starts Today includes practical guidance on tantrums, big feelings and building your child's self-control, as well as managing your own stress along the way. Read a free chapter extract.
About the author
Teri Farrari is a developmental psychologist, natural health practitioner and early years consultant with more than thirty years' experience with young children and their families. She founded and ran her own Holistic Early Learning Schools, and her work has featured on BBC News, Sky Television, The Sunday Times, the Daily Mail and in Parents magazine. Read more about Teri or work with her one-to-one.
